If you recall last week we began an in depth examination of the difference between Republicans and Democrats as viewed through the crystal clear, unbiased lens of the blogosphere. We conclude this week by looking into a few more areas where the two parties generally part philosophical ways. All of this is to help you begin planning a good illness to fake on election day.
War and Military Might:
Republicans love wars. They like nothing better than to start a good fight by deploying American Imperialist Storm Troopers (made up of the poor) across the world, when they’re not busy beating-up hippies or queers (their not very PC either). Crushing the heads of other peoples’ children is a joyous pastime for these evil warmongers. This is why America is hated around the world
Democrats despise war, that’s why they cut the military every chance they get. No military, no war. They hate war so much that for almost the last 100 years they’ve started every major conflict outside of the current ones. WWI, WWII, Korea and Vietnam resulted in the deaths of millions of people, but they’re really sorry about that. Nuking Japan, killing and maiming countless thousands of civilians was best for the Japanese and Democrats always know what’s best. This is why Democrats are loved around the world.
Guns:
Republicans maintain that you can pry their guns out of their cold, dead hands. Democrats would find that that acceptable except they’re afraid to touch them. Guns like SUVs are completely unstable. They’re capable of irrational fits of rage and could kill at any moment. Only liberals like John Kerry, who participated in atrocities in Viet Nam or Joe Biden, who owns two shotguns -and isn’t afraid to use them on his running mate- can safely handle these monsters.
The Environment:
Republicans like John McCain, seem to favor Cap and Trade while the Democrats are only interested in Cap. So there’s little difference between them. Either way, after the necessary Federal Reserve breaking, Wall Street Rescue, we’ll all be reduced to eating out of garbage cans, under a blistering sun, while wild, rabid dogs gnaw on the elderly in a Mad Max inspired world. That’s fine with me because I look good in black leather and football shoulder pads.
Man Made Global warming is a fact because our leaders said so and they wouldn’t lie to us. Wait a second…
Health Care:
The Republican Plan is that only the wealthy would ever see a doctor. If you can’t pay up front or don’t have way too expensive health insurance, you’d better learn to become a selfish, back-stabbing, rich SOB by applying yourself and grabbing at those bootstraps. If you won’t help yourself then don’t try to go wait in some welfare system hospital line, there won’t be any. The wealthy don’t wait in lines.
Democrats take a different view. You’re going to have to wait in line no matter who you are. You’re going to be waiting so long in fact, that either you’ll get better there or you’ll die. Either way, problem solved and it’ll only cost you half of your paycheck in taxes for that fabulous, free, universal health care -if you’re lucky enough to have a job…that’s most likely provided by the government.
*An interesting side note is that Joe Biden -who single handedly eliminated poverty by declaring almost all Americans as middle class- has attempted to heal a wheelchair bound man. Faith Healers are being sought from around the country and will be given status as doctors under Obama’s Hope for Change health care plan.
Babies:
Republicans love healthy babies. They nurture and protect them from conception until they’re old enough to die in Iraq. Those that don’t appear to be thriving are eaten in secret, ritualistic feeding orgies after being sacrificed to the gods of capitalism -unless they can be trotted out for political gain. All wealthy Republicans eat some of their young, Texas style, with BBQ sauce.
Democrats hate all babies. They don’t even know when one becomes a human being (it’s above their pay grade) so abortion becomes contraception. Most Democrats don’t use condoms because they can’t breath with them over their heads. They generally don’t want the burden of a child, only the pleasure of the disease filled hook-up. But if a child does slip by some how and becomes a human, no matter how heinous the crime it may commit, it must be sent to rehab or maintained in a zoo like setting to watch TV and receive free college and health care benefits.
Past is Prologue:
I think that about covers it. We’ve seen where they stand today but what about the future? It really all comes down to the brand of socialism you prefer. If you ask nicely, one of these two parties might actually kiss you first.
The Wrap-up:
If this extremely lame account was helpful and you now feel like you can make an informed choice this November, raise your hand.
You know I can’t see you right? So if you raised your hand, you’re an idiot. Just go with whatever party finds you first. Maybe that way we can spread the stupid vote out evenly.
Speaking of stupid. There’s more where this came from at Les’s blog Satire| Parody| Military| Political| Humor at Sideshow Mirrors.
2004–2008 
21 responses so far ↓
1
Angie
// Oct 7, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Will I see the “Real Man’s Dream” Party on the ticket? Cuz really, I’m tired of being forced to be the one bringing home the bacon while my hubby’s the one stuck cooking it. He always makes it a little too crisp for my taste.
You know what’s great about satire? There’s often so much truth in it, you don’t need to embellish much, if at all, and it still makes the focus of the issue something to laugh and point at as being asinine. Just look at Barry and Joe; an honest, completely unbiased journalistic report on these two would automatically be viewed by the masses as either editorial opinion or satire…
2
JumpOut
// Oct 7, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Did you just use the words honest, journalistic, and Barry (as in Obama) in the same sentence?
See here.
3
Les James
// Oct 7, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Angie- I would favor the “Real Man’s Dream” Party and I’m sure it would have bacon. We could not only spend money on pork but eat it too.
Jump-Out - MSNBC does it all the time.
4
JumpOut
// Oct 7, 2008 at 6:08 pm
I guess I wasn’t very effective. I posted that link more for the Tree, Rope, Journalist. Some Assembly Required slogan than the news story. Anyhoo, great post as usual, Les.
5
Fiar
// Oct 7, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Then you ought to have linked here.
6
JumpOut
// Oct 7, 2008 at 7:41 pm
I didn’t want to advertise other peoples’ products on this very powerful and influential blog, and I couldn’t find the post where he explained all that.
7
Les James
// Oct 7, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Very powerful and influential. That it is. My chest swells with pride just being allowed the privilege of posting here. Soon its girth will match my head’s.
Well it’s almost time to watch the Tuesday Evening Funnies…I mean the debate.
8
Alex L.
// Oct 8, 2008 at 12:22 am
*slowly lowers hand*
9
Chris C
// Oct 8, 2008 at 11:33 am
The world’s greatest militants and radicals all came from the left.
10
Les James
// Oct 8, 2008 at 11:52 am
Hey Alex have you bought your ticket yet so you can be here in time to same day register for the election?
What? If Acorn can do it…
11
Alex L.
// Oct 9, 2008 at 12:54 am
Les- I would, but I’ve already planned one voting trip this year and thats for the Cirellean party in Canada, GO DOG IN UNDERWEAR!
http://canadianfermentation.wo.....bate-snub/
12
Celebghost
// Oct 11, 2008 at 3:48 pm
HAHAHA that is priceless…thank you for the warning sign at the beginning of the post i wasn’t sure for a second lol
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