The first time Frank J was caught indulging in Manatee Pr0n, his disgusting fetish was discovered by his very own wife, SarahK. At the time, they were not yet married, or even engaged. What follows is a true and accurate description of the event as it unfolded. It is not at all a Vicious Fabrication.

SarahK had just returned to see Frank J after spending the morning practicing at the local artillery range. She arrived at Frank’s house and entered.

“Frank! I’m here.” There was no response. Sarah thought for a moment. She was sure that Frank’s car was in the lot. She looked back out the window, and there it was.

“Frank! You honeysweetiesugarpiecookiemuffin is here. Come tell me how pretty I am.” Then she softly muttered to herself, “I’m so pretty.”

Still, Frank did not reply. She began to move through the domicile, calling for Frank every 15 seconds or so with a sing-songy voice. Finally, she opened the door to the bedroom, and there was Frank, furiously humping away on a manatee. It probably looked something like this, but there were no photos taken of this disgraceful moment.

Now, SarahK was furious. “FRANK!” You could hear the growl in her voice, “What the Hell do you think you’re doing?”

“Nothing, honey. Did I mention how pretty you look today?”

SarahK smacked him in the back of his head with an open hand.

“Owwwww!” He whined. “That hurts.”

“Good! Now get over here and explain to me what the Hell you think you were doing.”

“I can’t help it. I just have a thing for manatees. They just make me lose control.”

SarahK smacked him in the back of the head again.

“Owwwwwwww!”

“You’re an idiot. You have me, the lovely and beautiful SarahK. I’m pretty – and yet, here you are with a freakin’ sea cow! What is wrong with you?”

Frank said, “But… Manatees are the foundation for the mermaid myth. Mermaids are hot.”

SarahK smacked him in the back of his head again.

“Owwwww owwww owwwwwww! Please stop doing that.”

“You moron. Sailors were dehydrated, drunk, riddled with scurvy, and hadn’t seen an actual, real live woman for weeks on end. It makes sense that they would be hallucinating, but you…”

SarahK smacked him in the back of his head again. This time, Frank merely began to weep.

“Protein makes your brain grow. I will make you a Bacon®, bacon®, bacon® and bacon® sandwich, and maybe one day, if you eat enough bacon®, you won’t be a complete moron. You are never to do something like this ever again – and you have to marry me. The ring better be giagantic too. You hear me?!”

“But bacon is a root cause of terrorism,” still whining and weeping.

“Shut up! Eat your Bacon®!” SarahK smacked him in the back of his head again.

“Next time it will be a Harry Potter Book and not my hand hitting you in the head.”

Category: Pointless Nonsense