Along with providing fresh and original conservative political humor, Radioactive Liberty understands our role in getting vital information to the public about the dangers we face in our daily lives.
Today we pass along some tips on avoiding Swine Flu.
Please read them thoroughly and act accordingly. The lives of yourselves and fellow Americans depend on it.
Do not interact with illegal immigrants
Did the Swine Flu begin in America then spread into Mexico?
No.
This is proof positive that we should not let the Typhoid Marias and Pandemic Pablos into our country. It does us no good to pay migrant workers dirt wages only to have them get us sick, thus negating the purpose of underpaying them in the first place.
Oh and also keep out anyone from France. They probably have like ten diseases in their underarm hair alone.
And I mean the women.
Do not have sex with pigs
You would think this advice would be a no-brainer but in this society?
There are warnings on plastic bags so people won’t put them over their head and kill themselves. There are childproof caps that adults can not open. DVD players set the time automatically.
So don’t have sex with pigs. Trust me on this.
If you do, wear a condom and then see a therapist after.
Keep your distance from gypsies
Did I ever tell you about the time I waited on a family of American gypsies?
They don’t exist you say? You never lived in northeastern Massachusetts my friends. The Moonies live there too by the way.
Anyways they rang up a $200 dollar bill and left a zero dollar tip.
Fucking gypsies. I hope they all get Swine Flu.
Pretend everyone infected is a zombie and blow their heads off with a shotgun
Spock once said: “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”
Frankly, I think he was full of crap. Nimoy was laying a guilt trip on the producers for an appearance in Star Trek 3.
He does have a point though about needing to kick some ass so start exercising your Second Amendment rights and start exorcising the Swine Flu from the zombies via the Boomstick.
Your country and Bruce Campbell will thank you for it.
Good night and God Bless America, especially in this time of crisis. And of course shop smart.
Shop S-Mart.
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Chris Cameron writes this weekly column every Wednesday as well as Political Humor Quick Hits every Tuesday here at Radioactive Liberty. You can also read funny but weird stuff at his own humor blog Angry Seafood.
2004–2010
12 responses so far ↓
1
Eric
// Apr 29, 2009 at 12:28 pm
I am appalled at your lack of insite and precognition. Chris you are normally a brilliant precognitionist and insiter.
Obviously this whole ’swine flu’ thing is just another evil Mchitlerbush scheme to eliminate illegal mexicans in our country. Just as Aids was a Reagan policy to kill off fags and blacks.
After this thing blows over you will see that only illegals have been affected, er infected.
2
Elm
// Apr 29, 2009 at 2:39 pm
“Do not have sex with pigs.”
Someone needs to notify Bill Clinton of this pronto.
3
Chris C
// Apr 29, 2009 at 8:55 pm
@Eric: You dropped your tin foil hat on the way out of the commenting section. Don’t worry we saved it for you.
@Elm: Too late.
4
Alex L.
// Apr 30, 2009 at 12:05 am
If I die of pig flu… thats it I give up. Now the no sex with pigs, that doesn’t extend out into the rest of the barnyard does it?
5
Darryl
// Apr 30, 2009 at 6:38 am
I always avoid any interaction with Human Swine anything.
I’m surprised RL does not have research results (or at least jumped-to conclusions) to demonstrate that hippies are involved and guilty in the pandemic right up to the lice in their hair.
6
Jr
// Apr 30, 2009 at 8:08 am
Tip # 5:
The only known cure for Swine Flu is the daily application of oinkment.
7
JumpOut
// Apr 30, 2009 at 10:58 am
What do you mean Darryl? Hippies can’t accomplish anything other than stinking, and reproducing.
8
psychochick
// Apr 30, 2009 at 5:48 pm
I hate to say it, but we keep a lot of our swine in unsanitary conditions. It is possible that the original carrier crossed over from Cal into Mexico. Only a relatively small proportion of their cases have been confirmed as swine flu. It is conceivable that the rest are normal influenza.
What I find scary is that
1) This is targeting young people like the 1918 Spanish pandemic and
2) the 1918 pandemic was mild in the spring and came back with a vengeance in the fall
No cases in our county in Cal yet. I was going to check out the May 1 rallies to see how seditious they really are, but think I will avoid gatherings that could have large numbers of people recently from Mexico just to be on the safe side.
9
Chris C
// Apr 30, 2009 at 9:15 pm
What really is scary is Mexico has shut itself down for five days to help keep the flu at bay yet we don’t close the border for a week.
Much more of a reasonable response then the Vice-President telling people on national television not to get on a plane or a train.
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