You know, as this season of 24 has progressed, I’m starting to think that I don’t much like Jack Bauer. Think about it. We’re just trying to start a war for oil here, and he’s there to screw up the whole deal. If it weren’t for Jack, the President would be making deployment plans to central Asia for the Marines by now. But there’s Jack, throwing a giant monkey wrench into things.

I gotta admit, at first I thought Jack was a good guy, and I thought the President was a total douche, but as the plot has developed – well, suffice it to say, I was wrong. I’m all about war for oil. My personal slogan is “War for oil is war for me.”

You know how some people have a daily affirmation? They’ll look in the mirror and say, “I’m going to be the best I can be, because I am the best!” Or something lame and impractical like that. Well, I do the same thing, except I look in the mirror, and say, “War for oil is war for me.”

Sometimes I’ll change it up a little, just to break the monotony. I’ll try, “War for oil! Woot!” Or maybe, “War for oil! Go! Go! Go!” and, “I just can’t get enough of that refined petroleum stuff.”

Really. Access to cheap oil is the number one most pressing issue of our time. The President is right on about this. What are you going to do if oil costs $150 a barrel? Huh? What are you going to do when gas is $12 per gallon? I know exactly what you’ll do, you’ll say, “Fitch was right, like always. We shoulda had more wars for oil.”

I do have one criticism of the obviously alert, and astute President though. Why stop at central Asia? War for oil

• In Venezuela
• In Pakistan
• In Saudi Arabia
• In Canada
• In Russia
• In Iran
• In Kuwait
• In France
• In Mexico
• In Egypt
• In Germany
• In America

Once we control the supply of oil in every country on the face of the Earth, we will be like GODS. People of every nation will bow in tribute to us. For us, oil will be cheap, and easily available. We’ll use it to roast marshmallows, brush our teeth, and take youth restoring baths. Oh, but the oil will flow like water.

For everyone else, well, that depends on how much we like you, and that’s directly based on how you treat us. “Sorry France, but no oil for you! Back of the line, come back next week!”

Yeah. I can’t wait to stick it the the French.

I’m with you President Logan. Let’s get rid of that pest, Jack Bauer. He’s only a threat the last 10 minutes of each episode anyway. How hard can it be to make yourself scarce fo 10 minutes each hour? You can do that. You’re the President. You can do anything.

**

24, Jack Bauer, Bauer, War for Oil

Category: Useless Entertainment