Political Humor | Wars: Dirty Little Secrets, Part 2

A continuing conservative politics series by Les James.

Wars: The Dirty Little Secrets

Act II: You Can’t Lose a War You Quit

Today I’ll attempt to paint a simple picture of America’s fascination with war, using a few of its myriad forms as examples. Of course, no image of this nature could be properly painted without first preparing the canvas with my own brand of primer.

Some years ago, I developed my 1st Law of Military Motion. Since that time I’ve opened up that franchise to include just about everybody. It goes like this: For every action, there is an opposite over-reaction. Unfortunately, it’s a Law we’ll probably never get repealed.

Having been brainwashed as a warrior –there may have been a little shrinkage- I have a better than average view of what a war is and what a war isn’t. With that in mind, let’s take a look at some of our recent “war” efforts and gage it against our government’s actions and reactions, shall we? This should be amusing.

The War on Drugs

What a Cluster! You can’t declare war on an object! Because that would mean that you’d have to kill drugs. Since it’s so hard to tap drugs once in the head and twice in the chest, we wisely decided instead, to send the DEA to Columbia, and other countries, to kill people associated with drugs. Good move, going after the supply, instead of the demand. I give it two thumbs up. You can decide where.

Drug cartels are very exclusive and difficult clubs to get in to, but having attended the Defense Language Institute with some of these DEA guys, I can tell you that besides being certifiable, they’re doggedly determined to make it past the velvet ropes and bouncers.

Despite the heroic and valiant efforts of our brave men and women in law enforcement, our seeming unwillingness to prosecute those who violate our laws, coupled with our porous borders, make this war an almost futile endeavor. It’s unwinnable, it’s costing too many lives and too much money. Thanks for all of your sacrifices guys, we support you, but maybe we should pull out now.

The War on Poverty

Here we go again. In this case we have to try to kill poverty. While we can see its effects, we just can’t seem to track it down. Maybe it’s hiding in a cave with Bin Laden?

Unlike the War on Drugs, for some reason we can’t send in Special Ops to kill people associated with poverty. So instead we send in social workers with bags of money to buy them off.

If you listen carefully, sometimes you can still hear the muted cries from certain concerned advocacy groups, but for the most part our leaders are silent on this subject. Why? Because they realized a long time ago that it was unwinnable, yet we still throw tons of devalued dollars at it each year.

This is a social cause and it soothes the bleeding heart. Besides it’s only the taxpayers’ money that’s being spent. There’s always more where that came from.

We’re not about to pull out on this one right now because it feels too good. Just wait though; sooner of later we’ll get tired of poverty too. Then we’ll discard yet another paramour on to the heap of stained blue dresses. That reference never gets old!

The War on Hand Guns

How would that even work? First off, our opposition doesn’t even like guns, so they wouldn’t use them. They’re frightened of guns. Reason: guns represent a fast paced, unswerving force that once unleashed can’t be bargained with. No amount of negation or even surrender will change the mind of a bullet, once it’s set on course. Remember, guns don’t kill people, bullets do.

Even that isn’t completely true. A bullet causes damage after it leaves the chamber of the gun, which was fired by a human possessing free will and desire. Once again, we’re going after the wrong thing. Still. First we have to start with handguns and then as hunting decreases, we expand the range to include all weapons.

So, how do we win this “war”? By the use of Activist Judges undermining the 2nd Amendment to ensure that only the government and criminals have firearms, that’s how. But I’m preaching to the choir. Wait a second, did I say government and criminals, shouldn’t that have been…

The War on Child Pornography

I’m disgusted by the very thought of this abomination. Anyone who would participate in this atrocious act should be publicly and slowly skinned alive, on nation-wide TV, while having salt poured over them. Anyone convicted of viewing child porn should be staked out on the floor of Death Valley, in the summer, and have their eyes eaten out by buzzards and ants.

Sorry to be so vague and tiptoeing around the subject but I think you can still get an idea of how strongly I feel about this topic. To make matters even worse, the ACLU fights for these vile monsters! I won’t describe what I think should happen to that bunch. It might be a little over the top.

How do we kill this horror? How do we stop it? Well, we use the same model that’s been so wildly successful in our other campaigns. This time we go after the Internet. Yeah, that’s the ticket. It’s all the Internet’s fault.

By the way, has anyone spoken to Al Gore about this? After all, he claims that it’s his baby, the one that he birthed, that we’re gunning for. Does anyone know who the father was?

The War on Terrorism

Finally a real war… sort of. Not that the War on Drugs isn’t real, unfortunately it’s more of a police action. But once again we’ve tried to acquire the wrong target. Just like racism and sexism, you can’t kill terrorism.

I’ve looked down the barrel of many a fine weapon but I’ve never been able to sight in on an “ism”. Sorry Mr. President, can’t do it. An “ism” is a belief. You can’t wipeout a belief. You can change the minds of those who support it or you kill ‘em. That’s the only two ways we can minimize one of these nasty little critters. Praise the Lord and pass the ammo.

What we can do though is get racists, sexists and terrorists in our crosshairs. Fortunately, we can only pull the trigger on the last one. I say fortunate, because you well know what the other side thinks of us.

Kill the terrorists and those who support them. And remember that just like in banking, there are severe penalties for early withdrawal. That’s the way to win this war.

Except that once again, it’s the same old same old. While the War on Terrorism is still far more popular than Congress (maybe we need to consider a withdrawal there too), it’s unwinnable, it’s costing too many lives and too much money. Thanks for your sacrifices guys. We support you. But yeah, that’s right, we gotta consider pulling out.

A parting thought for those of you that believe that all war is wrong. Shouldn’t you be picketing the intercity slums, gang bangers and the anti-guns lobbies too? Just a little something to mull over should you ever come down from what ever your on.

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