I think Jesus would probably stay dead for a few days, and then rise from the grave. Of course, being the megalomaniac that I am, that’s what I did. Ah, but it’s not that simple, you see. Do you know that you have to have a hearing in order to come back to life, and even that is more complicated than it seems?

When I realized that I had been impaled by the Baby Jesus and was dead, I thought, “This isn’t right. I shouldn’t be dead yet. I still haven’t become the Cruel, Bloodthirsty, Deranged Despot of the Universe.” You wouldn’t believe the bureaucracy they have in the Afterworld. First I had to go to the Department of Complaints. When you get there, you have to be placed into a grouping by what it is that you are there for. One group is, for example, people that did not like the method by which they died. Another group is people that didn’t like their last words.

Next you wait… And wait… And wait.

I selected the group that I thought was appropriate and sat down. When my number was finally called, I met with a service representative. He asked what my complaint was, even though you are grouped by complaints. I explained that I can’t be dead yet because I have not yet become Cruel, Deranged, Bloodthirsty Despot of the Universe.

He said, “I’m sorry, sir. That’s an unrealized dream. You need to re-register at the Front Desk with the ‘Unrealized dreams and aspirations’ group.”

“But I’m already here.”

“I’m sorry, sir. You are incorrectly registered with the Department of Complaints. You have to go back and re-register.”

“Grrrrr! Fine!”

So I went and re-registered with the Department of Complaints under the ‘Unrealized dreams and aspirations’ group. Then I waited… And waited… And waited. Finally my number was called and I met with my representative. Can you believe this? It was the same damn guy! He asked what my complaint was and I said I was already there before.

He said, “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t recall. What is the nature of your complaint?”

“I don’t want to be dead yet. I have not yet become the Cruel, Deranged, Bloodthirsty Despot of the Universe. ”

“Ah. You need to register with the ‘Untimely death’ group.”

“That’s what I did the last time!”

“I’m sorry, sir. You are incorrectly registered with the Department of Complaints. Please re-register at the Front Desk.”

“I am not going to go back and re-register just to wait a few more hours and come back and see you a third time! Can I just see a manager or something?”

“Certainly, sir. I just need you to fill out this requisition form. Now sign here. Sign and date here. Initial here. Sign here. Initial here and here. Sign and date here. This is your copy of the form. You will need it when you see the manager. Third floor. Second door on your left.”

*Sigh*

Of course, at reception, you need to select a group. There was one for “Representative spoke the wrong language,” one for “Comments and suggestions,” et cetera. They didn’t have one for “Insufferable bureaucracy,” nor one for “I just don’t freakin’ want to be dead yet,” so I selected “Unsatisfactory service.” Then I was asked to “Please take a few moments to fill out this customer satisfaction survey.” It had a battery of questions asking whether various aspects were, “Very poor, poor, no opinion, good, or very good.” Does anyone ever check off “very good?”

I finally got in to see the manager and he asked the nature of my complaint. Again, I explained that I can’t be dead yet because I have not yet become Cruel, Deranged, Bloodthirsty Despot of the Universe. He then asked what compensation I would like. “What? Compensation? I just don’t want to be dead anymore.”

“I’m sorry, sir. We don’t do resurrections here. We merely offer Afterworld compensation for your troubles. You need to file a wrongful death suit in Resurrection Court. You can obtain the necessary forms at the Department of Grievances.”

“Department of Grievances?”

“Yes. The DoG. Grievances and complaints are two entirely different things.”

He gave me instructions to the Department of Grievances and then said, “Good luck, sir. It is very rare for anyone to win a claim in Resurrection Court. Very rare.”

By the time I got to the DoG, it was closed. I would have to wait until the next day to file my claim.

To be continued…

Category: Pointless Nonsense