If you had something important to do, you would be doing it. You’re not doing it now, so it must not be all that important. Does it really need to be done right now?

Can’t it just wait a little longer? What’s going to happen? Is the world going to end? No. The sun will come out tomorrow.

Take your time. You’ll do it when you’re good and ready.

Those bills will still be there, right? What’s the hurry? They aren’t going anywhere. What about that friend you’ve been meaning to call? You’ve put it off this long. Let it slide a little longer.

Does it really make any difference in the grand scheme of things? In five years, are your friends going to say, “Remember that time you didn’t call me until the day after you said you would call?” You can bet your bottom dollar that they won’t even remember.

Will the power company say, “Sorry, we can’t fix your power outage because you were 3 days late on the last payment.” They take their time, why shouldn’t you?

I say we should all model our lives on the cable company. If you plan to meet with friends, give a 4-6 hour block during which you will meet. “Hey Bob! Let’s get together sometime between noon and 4pm on Saturday.”

There are some people that will try and tell you that now is all you have. They’ll try and say that some nondescript future is just never going to happen. Those people are giant douches.

Do you think they spend endless hours vacantly watching mind-numbing television, like you do? No. They’re always “Go, go, go.” Don’t be a douche.

There are so many ways that you can delay doing something. Here are my 3 favorites:

• Do it tomorrow → Tomorrow is always a day away. I love that about tomorrow.
• Do it later → I really like the vagueness of “later.” It has a less specific connotation than “tomorrow” does. Unfortunately, five seconds from now can also qualify as “later.”
• Do it whenever → This is the best option, when available. “Whenever” is really just one tiny step away from “never.” When you say, “I’ll do it whenever,” you’re just barely across the threshold from saying,
  “Fuck it. I have no intention of doing it at all – ever.”

You’re pretty smart. Use that intelligence to avoid doing anything productive, creative, or enjoyable – Or delay procrastinating until later, or whenever. The important thing is that, whatever you do, don’t do it now. Then you would be a douche.

Whatever “it” is, it’s really not all that important.

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Category: Humor