Political Humor | Why I Watch the News

(This is a rebuttal to FIAR’s recent diatribe: Why I Don’t Watch the News)

I feel it is in everyone’s best interest to watch the news and read about news in - well, um, newspapers. There is that internet thing too I guess. I heard they have it on computers now. That’s crazy talk. Technology is going way too fast for me these days.

But this isn’t about how important technology is to us. We need our news, however to make us feel human.

First off, we need to know all the ways we could die. Every day scientists fabricate results of telephone surveys about what people think they might die from. One day you’ll hear this on television:

‘Is your dog eating butter? You may think it’s perfectly harmless, but it might be giving Fido rabies! Find out why. Plus, tips on what to buy for that hard-to-please person on your Christmas gift list. All this and more, after the break’.

We need to know these facts, so we can dedicate our valuable time and energy to worrying about them. It also makes for great conversation at work. There is nothing like upbeat talk around the water cooler about rabid pets mauling people.

I don’t know if the disease is becoming an epidemic, but I saw ‘Cujo’ once, so I know what’s up. Worrying about stuff like this is important.

Being too informed is not a bad thing, because the news gives us too many facts already. I don’t know why there isn’t just one single news source; you don’t really need others. If it is on AP it must be true.

I don’t have time to read a lot of news. Thankfully the industry knows this. They fill their stories with every fact I need to know, and check them thoroughly. God bless them.

Best of all, the news makes all of us feel better about ourselves and our lives. That fire you watched on the 10’o clock news happened to someone else. Some guy went crazy and killed his neighbor. That dead neighbor wasn’t you. It is unfortunate all these messed-up things happen… To other people, but they also help put your life into perspective. Things aren’t so bad when you contrast your problems with the polished turd of a life that other people have.

The news is important because it makes us thankful we don’t live in Bangladesh. From what I read in the paper there was some kind of nuclear reactor fire, or government coup. Whatever. The important thing is that it didn’t happen to me.

Thanks AP! I feel better already.

Chris Cameron is not a rabid animal but he writes like one sometimes every Thursday. You can read his other works of oddness at Angry Seafood.

Get Political Humor updates. Subscribe to Radioactive Liberty via Email or via RSS.

Humor-blogs.com does not condone nor recommend anyone actually watching the news but they are funny.

Political humor and commentary